Misanthrope – 1: (n.) A person who dislikes humankind and avoids human society.
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Today I almost cancelled my dentist appointment as I was feeling a tad throaty. You know, the scratchy feeling you get just before a full blown cold… That.
I caught it off an ex. She is not a friend with benefits, so I did not catch it by kissing her, not that I have to explain it to anyone.
One of the annoying things with being somewhat misanthropic is having to explain to humans, why I should explain things to humans, things that I already know in my own head, not that I think people will judge me… It’s just a bad habit of mine.
Fuck what they think, it is purely an ex who happens to be a very good friend.
I was going to cancel my dentist appointment as I was feeling rather grotty at work this morning and I didn’t want to deal with people when my throat was contagious.
I always catch a cold off her and I don’t know why, it’s not that I kiss her or that she blows snot in my direction, far from it.
She must be an allergan.
Now I’m hungry but can’t even eat because of these bastard fillings in my mouth.
Word of the Day – Lacuna – 1: (noun.) a gap or missing part, as in a manuscript, series, or logical argument; hiatus.
2: (Anatomy) one of the numerous minute cavities in the substance of bone, supposed to contain nucleate cells.
3: (Botany) an air space in the cellular tissue of plants.
I’m such a sucker, I was out on the streets today in my local town when I was approached by a little feller with jeans belted up in an unusual style, being very high up. He was dressed like the antagonist of all teenagers, his boxers shorts must have garroted his testicles I’d imagine. Top the look with spittle in the corner of his mouth and a demeanor like Steptoe from Steptoe and Son, and you have this apparition.
He asked me for £1.50, allegedly for a coffee. Taken by surprise I immediately said, ‘No’ but my soft stupid side got the better of me and I walked back towards the man – It was then at this time when I did something even more stupid… I produced a fiver and gave him that.
It must be this weather, am I going too soft in my old age?
It was like the same guilt trip a hungry dog plays with you with its eyes and drool, but the human equivalent of spittle, age and inappropriate attire.
I have never seen a hand move so swiftly in all my life, he probably thought I better take this fiver quickly or he might change his mind.
As we were standing outside a Gregg’s bakery outlet I assumed he would go inside and buy himself a coffee. I even said, ‘Your’e going to buy yourself a coffee right’, ‘Oh yes’, he replied. Of course he did right… Well no he didn’t, instead he pocketed the money, no doubt in some secret lacuna about his person, turned and walked off in the opposite direction. The cheeky little monkey.
This is coffee I swear!
I should of given chase, or at least not given him any money in his little lightening hand… had I of not done so and gone in the bakery with him to purchase food and coffee, I would feel like I achieved something good for today.
But instead I feel stupid and annoyed that he made off with my cash…and took advantage of my good nature.
What was I thinking – Clearly I wasn’t.
It was like I was transported back to the time when I was a young boy (I was in the Cubs at the time) and an older Boy Scout convinced me (by using extreme cunning and possibly Woodland magic?) that a 5 pence piece was worth more than a 50 pence piece and that we should swap coins.
‘You Pillock’, my mum exclaimed as I returned home later that evening and explained how I was conned.
If like me you’ve ever had to face stress in your life as well as perhaps an anxiety disorder then not only can I sympathize with you, but perhaps I can offer you some observational advice.
To begin with I know as people we are all at different stages of our lives, if I were to say that I’ve completely banished my stress, and anxiety I’d be a lying jackass. To say that I don’t have an issue with anxiety would be a lie, I think I’ll always have to tackle that problem.
My anxiety used to be fairly bad, it would consume a lot of my thinking and there were times when I was close to being agoraphobic, for those of you that don’t know what that means, is that generally it’s a fear of going outside or away from home.
There is of course more to it than simply having a fear about something, just as the same way that a person with flu might have similar symptoms of a cold. A phobia is not always the root of the problem, but more likely to be a symptom of other things going on with the person at the time.
Irrational as it may sound, I think with my anxiety, the agoraphobia stemmed from a more general anxiety and associated with other things such as claustrophobia, and even hypertension. Stress is also a factor, the daily grind of life can weigh on people. Stress can exert it’s own burdens.
So how to deal with it…
First of all, listen to yourself. It doesn’t matter who offers you their own advice (my self included here) It’s important to understand yourself and to accept that yeah there is something wrong with how I feel and will try and fix it.
Fixing is important… the acknowledgement that something is off with yourself is half the battle, especially so at the beginning of the experience.
Health care professionals were the worst in my own experience, I even had one mental health nurse claim that all I was suffering from was stress and that I was not suffering from anxiety.
This was horseshit on his behalf and a way for the local authorities to save money by not employing a mental health Dr, or a Dr willing to deal with those patients suffering mental health conditions, also the DWP to not pay me benefits.
I’m not paranoid I can see things through the accountant’s lens. I even accused them of being in collusion with the government, if being controlled by funding is by proxy the very definition of control, then they are unwitting employees of a state run on money without a shred of compassion.
From their point of view, they must have considered me worse off by having benefits that I was entitled too?
Although I won’t deny that having a purpose and a job in, life are very beneficial.
A previous Dr years before having to deal with ‘mental health ‘ told me from that from the get-go that I had GAD which is Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I am not a fan of labels by the way.
However GAD is a real bitch as you move your worries from one empty vessel to another. It’s like the apex of anxiety disorders, like having the entire menu… but it is fixable.
It’s hard for people (without a similar condition) to appreciate just how debilitating these things can be on you as a person. It sucks extremely large dogs balls.
I found a good work book by a guy named Edward J Bourne called the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. The exercises were really helpful and also the explanations to each type of phobia and anxiety helped me to feel I was not alone. Understanding is all.
As a starting point I couldn’t fault it at all.
So several months down the line and I was feeling less anxious, part of my problem stemmed from being out of work, due to stress and also hypertension. The mental health problems did however start when I was working…
I was off work for six months and eventually they kicked me out. To be honest I had issues with them, some of it was down to me and my stress / anger you could say, but it was also down to how they treated me as an employee and a person. Yes, we are all expendable and they all might act like they care. But I can assure you that most employers couldn’t give a fuck if you died tomorrow.
I was eventually given anti-depressants for my anxiety, I did find they helped me. I would say perhaps to some degree, but they are not a cure.
So I was doing the A&P work book, doing the big pharma drugs and everything was OK, but I was still not 100% good, I was like 85% not that a person is ever 100 (insert 100 emoji), but you know when things could still be better right.
What made the biggest difference not only for my anxiety but also for the stress was Hemp. Yes I know it’s very popular now, some of you might even think its like snake oil. But it isn’t.
I think I must have been off balance in my mental health for years and I didn’t even know I was.
The Elixir
Once you have an elixir so to speak, it’s then that you can finally appreciate your own self for what it is.
The CBD oil and flowers (buds for smoking) have made me more relaxed but also energetic and focused. There is a real paradox to saying to someone I’m chilled but I’m also sharp. But that is how I feel and surprisingly it feels like that’s how I should be all the time.
I still get stressed now and again, I’m only human and I’m an old fiery red head (maybe that’s got something to do with my mental health) – We are passionate like the flame, and perhaps too hot to handle lol.
Coming from where I was, I know you can do it too, If you are reading this coming from the place I was and you’re prone to stress and anxiety, you may wish to consider a similar path , you may feel surprised by doing so.
I had a pleasant day over Cardiff Bay today with my ex and her mum, having lunch in part to celebrate her birthday. I do believe she is now 74, although one doesn’t like to ask such things.
We had a yummy Italian lunch at Carluccios, inside the restaurant, as I’m not a lover of hot conditions, although if the weather would of been somewhat milder, alfresco would of been a good option. Alfresco will have to wait for another day.
Carluccios
It wasn’t that packed as we arrived quite early, about ten minutes before they changed the menus from breakfast to lunchtime.
All very pleasant, except there was a nob incident in which a rude man in Cadwallers (an ice-cream / Coffee / Gelataria shop) wanted to take the chair I was reserving for for the two girls. Such cheek, the weather and the fact that he was with his children put me off of escalation.
View from the Ass
Spent about a quarter of an hour sitting in the shade of the Cardiff Ass, how I call the Assembly building before heading to hospital for the girls to visit a very poorly relative. I waited in the carpark in the car, blogging this post, with all the windows and doors open.
You always hear stories of how bad things can be for people on benefits, as someone who myself is a low income earner and on benefits I’d like to tell of my experience with Universal Credit.
For those who don’t know UC is a benefit in Britain that is designed to replace other existing benefits.
During the transition period from moving from Job Seekers Allowance to UC, I found out I had to wait 6 weeks without assistance from the state. My adviser at the local Job Centre explained what I should do should I find myself short of money while waiting.
During that time frame I could borrow an amount of money as a loan and pay this back in installments (interest free) out of future payments from the DWP (Department of Work & Pensions) which I did, because six weeks is a long time to wait with little money.
Luckily for me I had already budgeted somewhat for this eventuality, so when I was finally paid UC six weeks later I was surprised at how much I had, bearing in mind I was working as well, so there would of been deductions in the final amount of benefit.
Luckily for me I had found myself a job before this transition and me being me, decided to not fritter away any earnings I did accumulate.
The next month after my first payment of UC, my second payment was vastly different and was a lot lower, in part because of my work earnings and also because the period where they assess how much money you’re entitled to, doesn’t marry up with how payroll works at my employer as per a calendar / monthly basis as opposed to their rolling assessment, which overlaps from one month to the next.
I wasn’t happy, but reminded myself that I would have to budget again so that I wouldn’t be aghast at how little I had like I did before and that is exactly what happened.
All under one umbrella
It’s a strange benefit as I can see that it can potentially put some people at risk, those with more than one job and mothers who were on the old working family tax credits, and child tax to name but a few. However if you are savvy I don’t see why you should be in that situation of risk.
Some have claimed it to be a sexist benefit. Only benefiting the likes of myself being male.
I can only speak for my own experience and although certain aspects of UC seem unfair and downright stupid, such as the waiting period to get it and the way it is assessed month-month, looking after my own money like I do and being careful I have found that I prefer it over the old system, it is better to have my housing benefit and my income rolled into one payment.
Having the Inland Revenue and the DWP also acting in unison, you get a fair amount of money and less if you work more hours. Which is fair from a society point of view. Why should those with money look down on those at the bottom when they are also being given what is supposedly deemed fair, and if those at the bottom earn more they pay back, this is why I dislike people who make out that people on benefits are scroungers, it isn’t that way at all.
You do hear a lot of tales about people visiting food banks, women going into prostitution to feed their families and so on, all because of UC, and while I can imagine this might be true to some small degree, I think that the most extreme situations are being cherry picked by left wing elements of society for political gain. I cannot see why anyone can’t budget even if they earn a low income.
People for the main part should be going out there and getting a job if they can.
The government doesn’t have a secret agenda to make people disadvantaged, it’s not in their interest to as they themselves only care for money.
if I’m making money, they’re making money off me and the little money I do have, if I’m not making taxes is being spent on food, housing and is being recycled back into the economy anyway.
What seems obvious to me, being in the system myself, is that the vast majority of these cherry picker’s voices are they themselves, the very people not having to live under such benefits. If they were they wouldn’t be ‘Cherry Picking’ like they do, they’d be like me, giving it to you as is, as the truth.
They are looking to use peoples bad situations to further their political motivations and that to me is one of the reasons that I’ve come (from an ex Labour party member I should add) to absolutely despise those who take the fear and plight of the disadvantaged for their own political gain. It’s sick.
I like many things and I’m A.K.A many things… this is one of my OhJOh Drum and Bass mixes I did for my daughter a couple of years ago as a birthday dedication.. today I’m currently listening as a listener.
Today (may 25th) is Einharjar day which is traditionally a day spent commemorating the fallen heroes of Valhalla, thats if you happen to be a hero viking, its also, coincidentally Memorial Day in the United States.
Speaking of heroes, below are some of my thoughts from the last month which I haven’t shared but needed to write down. It concerns my friend’s son Bradley who typifies the meaning of the word hero.
He’s been fighting cancer now since last Summer. What started off as raised glands in his neck and various nosebleeds, turned out to be something much more serious.
Here are some of my thoughts from a month ago (hence why the post is dated April 29th) when we discovered from the specialists that it couldn’t be cured and was terminal:
I’ve been feeling a bit strange today… I suppose it could be because of various things to do with the heart… I don’t mean the physical heart but the emotional one.
I suppose you could say I’m at a bit of a crossroads…
The strange thing about being at the crossroads level for me is that I’m not entirely sure what my choices are, I just know something has to give…
Life can give you lemons and it is a choice sometimes whether to make lemonade or just manufacture the lemonade bottles…
I have a bottling plant but no lemons or lemonade… Do you know where I could get some please?
Its a strange feeling…taking on other people’s pain and suffering, putting yourself in other people’s shoes…it sometimes leaves me feeling helpless myself… lately there’s been a lot of that in other people’s lives that I know about… I guess thats partly the reason I’m feeling at odds with the world. Maybe I need to suffer…then again maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself?
Maybe I need to control stuff and then maybe I don’t.
Maybe I need a friend… and then maybe I need a lover and then maybe I need neither?
I’m supposed to be going out this evening to some works do…its no big deal its just a few drinks and some food in the company of work colleagues, it should be nice… but inside I’m not feeling like the harlequin, not that I’m the life and soul of any party… but I’m feeling a little detached from everyone else… people with partners and happy smiling faces.
I do not want my mask to slip off…
I think I may choose to listen to my gut and stay at home this evening…
“We do not believe any group of men adequate enough or wise enough to operate without scrutiny or without criticism. We know that the only way to avoid error is to detect it, that the only way to detect it is to be free to inquire. We know that in secrecy error undetected will flourish and subvert”. - J Robert Oppenheimer.
Since 2010 the Tories have killed over 250,000 claimants & starved and made homeless millions more! The poor, sick & disabled need your help for this to end. Not voting Tory is a start!
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