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Pillow Walker

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream…

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Family life

I’m currently listening : White Lies – There Goes Our Love Again #Yatse

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I’m currently listening : White Lies – There Goes Our Love Again #Yatse

Woke up to this in my head this morning . So I had to play it before work.  Some 80’s sounding pop indie group,  recommended album. 

I’m currently watching : Gold Rush – S01E05 – The Pain Barrier #Yatse

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I’m currently watching : Gold Rush – S01E05 – The Pain Barrier #Yatse #Kodi

Experiments in sharing what I’m watching via Yatse remote control app for Kodi… 

When I mean sharing,  not content but info…

A true hero.

Today (may 25th) is Einharjar day which is traditionally a day spent commemorating the fallen heroes of Valhalla, thats if you happen to be a hero viking, its also, coincidentally Memorial Day in the United States.

Speaking of heroes, below are some of my thoughts from the last month which I haven’t shared but needed to write down. It concerns my friend’s son Bradley who typifies the meaning of the word hero.

He’s been fighting cancer now since last Summer. What started off as raised glands in his neck and various nosebleeds, turned out to be something much more serious.

Here are some of my thoughts from a month ago (hence why the post is dated April 29th) when we discovered from the specialists that it couldn’t be cured and was terminal:

Continue reading “A true hero.”

Funny old me

I’ve been feeling a bit strange today… I suppose it could be because of various things to do with the heart… I don’t mean the physical heart but the emotional one. 

I suppose you could say I’m at a bit of a crossroads…

The strange thing about being at the crossroads level for me is that I’m not entirely sure what my choices are, I just know something has to give…

Life can give you lemons and it is a choice sometimes whether to make lemonade or just manufacture the lemonade bottles…

I have a bottling plant but no lemons or lemonade… Do you know where I could get some please?

Its a strange feeling…taking on other people’s pain and suffering, putting yourself in other people’s shoes…it sometimes leaves me feeling helpless myself… lately there’s been a lot of that in other people’s lives that I know about… I guess thats partly the reason I’m feeling at odds with the world. Maybe I need to suffer…then again maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself?

Maybe I need to control stuff and then maybe I don’t.

Maybe I need a friend… and then maybe I need a lover and then maybe I need neither?

I’m supposed to be going out this evening to some works do…its no big deal its just a few drinks and some food in the company of work colleagues, it should be nice… but inside I’m not feeling like the harlequin, not that I’m the life and soul of any party… but I’m feeling a little detached from everyone else… people with partners and happy smiling faces.

I do not want my mask to slip off…

I think I may choose to listen to my gut and stay at home this evening…

Back home

Recently I was admitted to hospital on the advice of my GP.  I was complaining of stabbing pains in my chest,  which would happen every time I took an intake of breath.  I’m glad that I did because it turned out (after blood tests and scans) that I had/have blood clots in my lungs. 

I’ve been here before back in 2006 or 07,  when I had a DVT brought about possibly by stress and travel,  this was on public transport and not by airplane.  I was treated with Anticoagulants and after a period of six months or so was withdrawn from them in the belief  that everything would be OK. 

Forward to 2014 and I’m back in the same boat although this time being confirmed to have clots in my lungs,  instead of having specific DVT pain in my leg.

I didn’t really feel worried while I was in hospital,  the condition is potentially very serious I know,  but the best thing to do is not think about that and stay positive,  even though it feels like a guillotine poised ready to chop my head off.  In that regard we’re all like ticking  time bombs,  even without a diagnosis.  So the best thing to do is ignore the fear.

I’m being treated now which is good and I’m back home which is even better,  I’m still waiting for my blood to stay within the therapeutic range to treat my condition and for me to feel better and eventually return to work.

I bought myself a new keyboard for my tablet because I miss the feel of being able to touch type,  so I’m  hoping to write more.

Unable to sleep

So I’m laying here on my bed unable to sleep. I really hate nights like this where my brain is unable to stop working. It doesn’t matter if I listen to random noise, some ambient sounds to bore myself into a state of sleep. Its just not working tonight.

I turn off the sounds from my headphones and for a second I think I’m able to relax and the silence should somehow wrap itself around me and pull me into its blissful embrace.

Instead of sleep my active mind conjures up images to the sounds I’ve just put to bed. Brass bells and shiny materials wink into and out of existence, and the more I try and stop thinking about them the more my subconscious brings them into the realm of my conscious.
Geometric shapes dance and spin and morph into other patterns in a colourful display of light just behind my eyelids. No matter what I do to will them away from existence they won’t stop forming in my vision.

I want to quieten down the mind, I lay here with my arms still at my sides like in a meditative state, but I just can’t relax. The mind is racing, it wants to move it wants to solve some sort of impossible puzzle.

I get up and start writing, perhaps if I write I might finally give the mind what it so desperately needs. Perhaps after it has time to do some task, to solve some sort of construction, some kind of edifice, perhaps then can it be calm enough to let me be, to give me some space so that I can have some sleep.

As it stands I don’t think I’ll be going into work today. Hah, the menial job that I enjoy so much, said with a bucketful of sarcasm. I don’t think three hours will be enough sleep to do a full day of grafting and my incentives to do the job in its entirety have become non incentives of late. I might reserve a little blog space for those little bitter berries at a later date.

For now I will comfort eat, drink coffee and try and sleep. I may not even phone in first thing, it depends if I’m awake…how rebellious am I.

You never even asked us part 2

I can’t believe it…

If you’ve read part one I mentioned a while back about an Agenda21 project which has recently started in my local town, right outside my house in fact…

In part one I explained that local residents received a rather disingenuous letter from the council which had very little in way of informative information regarding the cutting down of all the folliage and trees, and the reasons thereof.

The explanation given by the council by letter was that it was essential work needed so that the area out the back of us would not flood like it did in 2007.

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(In 2007 it flooded because of poor maintenance not anything to do with the local countryside, they could of cleared it by not even cutting down a single tree before it flooded, not unless they wanted it to flood?)

I didn’t and still don’t understand the logic of cutting down trees in the prevention of flooding…

As it turns out the letter they sent out to us is not entirely the whole picture…

  Further up the hill from us there are plans to build a new housing estate and as more houses are being put up in that area the more waste water needs to be shunted downstream (apparently), I was informed by another resident (who now has a rodent problem in her house because of this tree clearing activity) that the area being cleared down hill (right ouside my house) is so the council can build a lagoon in the space that they’ve just cleared, because of the extra water run off by building upstream will create…

Or so they say.

If you are one to believe in the conspiracies surrounding the Agenda21 projects across the planet, you might very well believe that the powers that be want to force residents out of thier homes by devaluing the land so that prices fall and the oil industry can move in and set about buying up land and drilling wells.

You might think this is a ridiculous notion, but it has been already estimated by certain government agencies that the UK would need up to 465,000 small wells built to meet energy demands in the future.

Not only did they clear the land out the back of our house without really consulting the local residents other than an formal letter which doesn’t even mention a pissing lagoon, but they have not followed it up with a consultation with the local residents, or even a follow up letter.

What about our permission as taxpayers and people who live in the area, what about our views. Obviously our opinions don’t matter a shit.

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I’m not suggesting that they didn’t make the plans public by putting them in the towns official administrative buildings. They do that as a matter of law,  but to mislead the local residents (who are obviously going to protest or not) by writing a letter which is confusing and doesnt tell the whole picture is quite frankly beyond.

Either way if they did inform the residents and I’ve been misled or the letter about a lagoon had escaped my inbox, its still fucking disgraceful.

They must think we’re all stupid.

You never even asked us

I’m not a expert of trees, I don’t proclaim to know a lot about them, I know that they’re pretty to look at and provide the planet with some of its oxygen. I know they are home to many animals and other oganisms, but this thing here doesn’t seem quite right to me…

Now I’m not one to believe in conspiracy theories. People who claim that agenda21 is really just a fake mandate to give governments the go ahead to perform various environmental activity in the interests of flood defence and whatnot, but really that could be a front for acquiring land by flooding and other environmental disasters that they could perform in order to get the residents to leave and for them to sell the land paving the way for potentially dangerous activities like fracking…

No, no I wouldn’t be so cynical…but right outside my house the local council has taken it upon themselves via a EU project (agenda21) to clear away quite a bit of trees and scrub, in the belief that the land should be allowed to flood naturally.

I don’t quite understand how getting rid of all the trees surrounding the areas where there is water going to achieve that aim…its going to flood more surely.

Now I told you I was not an expert on the subject of trees, but surely clearing the land of them is going to make it easier for it to flood, unless there is something about roots I dont know about.

We had some flooding in 2007 which caused very minor (for some of us) and (inconvenience and a few damp walls for some unfortunate people), damage but on the whole it wasn’t really a major drama.

I believe the problem in 2007 in our local little area was caused by blocked drains, and poor infrastructure/maintainence to get the water to run away via the sewer drain rather than the impact some trees would have in the flood plain area, which is what they are telling us they are doing now.

By the way they informed us of their plans about a week before they actually carried them out, the local residents were not asked of thier opnion… its just vital environmental work that needs to be carried out so we’re going to do it…tomorrow, have a nice day.

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I liked the copse like areas which are now completely cut down, I liked seeing the birds in the trees and the squirrels which now have to find other places to live. I liked going there for walks for the wild plants, the sloes the blackberries, and to take photographs I liked it how it was, it all seems unnecessary this killing of the trees.

Now its just a barren field for doggies to walk on and shit.

Of course it could be a nefarious plan to not only evict the animals, but to evit us as well…sometime in the future after it really floods?

It’s not a huge area we are talking about here, its not even a square mile in size and the waterway is a brook..but given enough of these little agenda21 projects there will be no countryside left..just bare land and wells for the oil companies, thats if one believes in the fracking conspiracy in the guise of good environmental responsibility projects.

I’d love to be wrong, and I just hope its my paranioa.

The Cumbersome Giant

Sometimes I hate being in a relationship because it feels like I’m inside a rather cumbersome giant. At times It doesn’t move along with any great purpose. It’s not that the giant is lost and doesn’t know where to go, or how to get there, it’s just one half of it wants to do nothing but watch the world go by, while the other wants to be a part of that world and actively partake in it.

It also feels like that whatever the one side of the giant does the other side doesn’t, instead of working in unison each side is either active or inactive. It’s not even a case of being the opposite side of the body and working together but at opposites. It’s as if the wiring in the center has become faulty and only one side can operate at once…

This weekend has been rather like the cumbersome giant, I’ve felt somewhat frustrated at the lack of activity the other half has actually manage to convey, it’s not quite the norm, so I’m not trying to force the other side to activity…

It’s easy to feel like an ogre afteral. People (myself included) are allowed a little down time. Time to become self absorbed to forget the things that might not be so great in life, like work for instance. But I’m human as well, there is only so much lethargy I can cope with, I don’t want to drown in it.

I hope next week is better, I really do.

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